Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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