So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
