Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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