My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Randomize
