How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
why do cheetos always look like penises
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
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