I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
