how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
