bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
