I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Randomize
