i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
It's official drugs can't kill me
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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