She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
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i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
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I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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