Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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