My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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