Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
