Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
