Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
