My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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