Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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