and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I think I won the penis lottery.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
