nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
