he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
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