I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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