Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
