Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
