1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
