I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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