I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
please come you make the beer taste better
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
