There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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