Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
