clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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