You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
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