I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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