She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
