I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
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