I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
