I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
