No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Randomize
