Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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