I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Randomize
