Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
