no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
