the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
