I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
