I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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