I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
