I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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