I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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