The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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