my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
