Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
