I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
