I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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