this just has baby written all over it
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
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Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You pole danced in your parka.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
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Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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