So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize