i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
