i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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