Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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