I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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