she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
