My pussy is not your playground.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
then he tried to convert me to islam
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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