I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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